Holidays bring families together … and to hear some tell it, the more is not the merrier. Many times I’ve listened silent and bug-eyed as friends have discussed the horrors of trying to plan gatherings for their parents and in-laws. It’s amazing how the offspring of such divergent clans managed to mate. These people have nothing in common beyond the marriage of their children and the fact that they share—and compete for the affection of—common grandchildren. No wonder my friends approach the holiday dinner as though they’re planning a summit meeting between the United States and North Korea.

So as Christmas fast approaches, is there any way you can minimize the drama of feuding relatives and enjoy a little peace on earth? Try these suggestions:

• Divide your time.  If you don’t already, try dividing holidays. My family spends Christmases with my brother, and shares the traditional dinner with his in-laws. Fortunately, we all get along wonderfully. But because of the in-laws’ other family obligations, we have our dinner on Christmas eve, rather than Christmas day. Better to have a series of small, pleasant gatherings during the days surrounding Christmas than insist on one huge awkward get-together on the 25^th.

• Call a truce.  Decide in advance that you won’t use a big family event as an opportunity to continue an ancient war with Uncle Charlie or Cousin Rita. If you stopped speaking to Aunt Lois a few months ago, give her a call a few weeks in advance of the gathering to clear the air before you both reunite over the knife block in your mother’s kitchen.

Not willing to make nice? Then skip the party. It’s not fair to other family members for you to bring along a dish of resentment so thick no one can cut the tension, or for you to explicitly or implicitly demand others take sides in your private squabbles.

• Carefully manage seating.  When planning your seating chart, beware of pairing guests who feel uncomfortable with one another—or of seeming to surround yourself with your family while in-laws are exiled to the other end of the table or another room. One way to save yourself from being blamed for where people are seated is to let them seat themselves and hope for the best. However it turns out, at least it won’t be your fault.

• Create a buffer.  Intimate gatherings lend themselves to awkward silences and stilted small talk. If you know certain family members just don’t mesh, create a buffer between them by inviting additional friends or relatives who get along well with both groups. At least in a large gathering, you’ll be spared trying to come up with something to say. The communion of a lot of people in a small space will create its own intimacy and relieve you of the need to ensure everyone feels welcome at every moment.