How to help friends cope
It’s said that during his lifetime, singer Frank Sinatra raised more than a billion dollars for charity. He was known for giving benefit concerts to help a variety of worthy causes, once remarking that he was “an overprivileged adult who ought to help underprivileged children.”
Some of his most popular performances were the private ones he gave for friends and acquaintances who’d been admitted to the hospital. The more serious the illness, the more diligent he was about dropping by and singing a tune to make the patients—and anyone else who could hear—feel a little better.
Few of us are blessed with Sinatra’s extraordinary vocal stylings, but he set a good example of the best way to help people who need to be comforted: Give of whatever talents you have.
If your family, friends, or colleagues are suffering as a result of financial setbacks, marital or family stresses, illness, or the death of a loved one, here are some suggestions for helping them cope:
• Be there. A lot of people get frustrated during times of grief and tragedy because they feel they lack the eloquence to say the right thing. What you say doesn’t matter. It only matters that you’re there, quietly lending your support, helping out with tedious chores, acting as a listening board if they need to talk. Don’t worry about what you’ll say or do—just go. Offer a hug, a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, a smile of support. If you can’t be there in person, then write or call.
• Be quiet. Listen more than you speak. We all experience events differently because we all come to them from different places. So even if you’ve been through similar traumas, you don’t “know just how” other people feel and it’s best not to claim you do. And time-worn clichés such as “you’re stronger than you think,” “this too shall pass,” “when God closes a door, he opens a window,” “you’ll be happier in the long run,” “things work out as they’re meant to be” usually aren’t appreciated when people are grieving and feelings are raw.
• Be creative. Okay, so you can’t sing. But you can buy groceries, pick up the kids from school or take them home with you for an evening, clean the house, run errands, drive someone to treatment, mow the lawn, cook a meal, take a shift beside a hospital bed, or help a recently laid-off person network. Use your imagination in figuring out what you can do to make life easier.
• Be specific. Whatever you decide to do, be specific. Don’t call and say, “Let me know if you need something.” Most people feel awkward about imposing and would never take you up on such a vague offer. Instead, decide what needs to be done or what you’re willing to do and just do it. Call and say you’re on the way over with dinner. Stop by on a Saturday and mow the lawn. Call and say you’re picking up your kids from school and would be happy to pick up two more. Don’t be a pest, but do make clear that you genuinely want to help.
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Thanks, Deborah
Great advice!