“In the very near future, the undersigned will once more be in your midst, dehydrated and demoralized, to take his place again as a human being … In making your joyous preparations to welcome him back into organized society you might take certain steps to make allowances for the past 12 months. … Treat him with kindness, tolerance, and an occasional fifth of good liquor and you will be able to rehabilitate that which was … the happy-go-lucky guy you once knew and loved.”

These lines are excerpts from a letter sent by an Army private to his family—one version of several similar letters that circulated among American soldiers serving in Vietnam. The full text, along with more than 200 other letters, appears in Dear America: Letters Home from Vietnam, edited by Bernard Edelman. This riveting book is a reminder that the battlefields and combatants may change but, as Union Gen. William T. Sherman said a century before, war is hell.

Yet as much as soldiers around the world may long to exit their respective battle zones, coming home isn’t always the blessed relief it should be. Employers, friends, and loved ones can help smooth the transition back into “organized society” by avoiding these mistakes:

• Don’t try to get a vicarious thrill at a veteran’s expense. In a recent Newsweek editorial, Paul Rieckhoff, executive director of Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America, told of one returning vet who worked for a financial company. During a shareholders’ meeting, his boss suddenly asked, “Have you ever killed anyone?”

It’s the question, Rieckhoff says, veterans dread most. To people who’ve lived relatively sedate lives, asking vets about their war experiences may seem like an opportunity to enjoy some secondhand excitement. And that question may seem as harmless as watching Platoon or Black Hawk Down. But while war may be the stuff of movies to the folks back home, it’s deeply personal to the vets. Asking them to talk about “kills” is like asking civilians “So how did you feel when your wife died?” or “How many miscarriages have you had now?” You may be casually probing the most painful moments of their lives just to satisfy your curiosity. If they want to talk about their experiences, let them bring up the subject.

• Don’t try to insist veterans see things your way. A couple of years ago, a friend who’d been serving in Iraq told me how frustrating it was when people who’d never been there kept telling him what was going on right under his nose. I could relate. After graduating from college, I spent three years embedded in one of the world’s hot spots and never got used to hearing folks back home who’d never been there and never studied one page of the region’s history telling me how much more they knew than I did.

Most people like to believe the world is black and white and that it’s easy to tell who’s right and who’s wrong and to distinguish the good guys from the bad. The world is usually much much more complicated. How you view a military action will most likely be colored by your personal politics—and we all should know better than to try and force our political views on others. But your opinion might also be colored by your life experience—which is certainly true of veterans, whether they wind up for a war or against it. You may not agree with the vets you meet, but at least have the humility to recognize they’re drawing on experiences you haven’t shared, and treat them respectfully. They’ve earned it.

• Don’t assume veterans are damaged goods. Returning from combat to civilian life is an adjustment—one that was beautifully explored in the post–World War II film The Best Years of Our Lives. Unfortunately, some cop shows of the ’60s and ’70s took a more sensational approach, often painting returning Vietnam vets as damaged, disturbed, or crazed.

While some combat vets do suffer significant post-war problems, the majority lead normal, productive lives. Will even those well-adjusted vets experience post-traumatic stress disorder? Possibly. Human beings have been suffering from symptoms once referred to as “shell shock” or “battle fatigue” for as long as they’ve been marching off to war. But soldiers aren’t the only people who experience these problems. Crime victims and others who’ve faced physical or emotional traumas can also develop PTSD. Many people developed the disorder simply from watching the 9/11 attacks on television. Fortunately, PTSD is treatable—and in most cases, only those closest to sufferers are likely to realize they have it. The media image of the crazed vet is a stereotype—one that concerns activists like Rieckhoff.

“Stereotypes are insidious, but they can be overcome,” Rieckhoff wrote in his Newsweek column. “Vets are people who excel under adversity, and we are ready to use our valuable experiences to help tackle America’s biggest challenges.”

It’s up to all of us to give them that chance.