Occasionally we’d wander to the restaurant across the street from the journalism department and grab a corner table. He’d light a cigarette, lean back, and start critiquing my articles. When he came across a passage that didn’t work, he’d read it aloud … and laugh at my goofy sentence construction. I’d grimace and writhe in my chair, and he’d laugh even harder because he knew I was fighting the urge to throw my drink at him. One day I asked, “Do you laugh like that at all your students?” “No,” he said, “only the ones that can take it.” Taking it wasn’t always easy. But the lessons stuck, and they made me a better writer.

Of course, it’s one thing to handle criticism when it’s solicited and another to take critical comments that come out of the blue. But whether or not you’ve asked for feedback, you should try to maintain your composure when it comes your way and consider whether the information could be to your benefit. So if your temperature starts rising when someone tells you something you’d rather not hear, try analyzing what’s really bothering you by asking yourself these questions:

• Do I feel like I’m being accused? Many people have trouble separating who they are from what they do. If, for instance, someone says, “I’ve read such-and-such food can be harmful for children that age,” they don’t hear a criticism of their food choice, they hear “You are a bad parent!” Try to take the comment at face value and avoid infusing it with moral judgments the speaker probably never intended.

• Do I feel like I’m being attacked? The criticism may have tripped your body’s fight-or-flight response—meaning you feel threatened in some way. If you’re in a work situation, perhaps you’re getting angry because you think the criticism somehow puts your position in jeopardy. Is the person offering criticism trying to undermine your position or authority? Or are your perceptions being colored by your emotions? Consider the situation objectively before you react in a way that really damages your credibility.

• Do I feel like I’m hearing the truth? Often we get angry at what others say because it’s what we’ve been saying to ourselves all along. We’re frustrated when we hear our deepest concerns and insecurities spoken aloud—and we react by trying to kill the messenger. Be honest about your feelings. Are you reacting because you know the criticism has merit but you don’t want to face the facts?

• Do I feel like I’m being betrayed? Sometimes we’re angry not because of what’s being said, but because of who’s doing the talking. One of my favorite lines in the film Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid is when Etta tries to intervene in an argument between Butch and the Kid. The Kid turns to her and says, “Listen, your job is to back me up …” The line resonates with me because I’m like that with the people closest to me. I just want them to be on my side whether I’m right or wrong. But when people are really on your side, like my journalism instructor, they tell you the truth.