One of my favorite books is Larry McMurtry’s Lonesome Dove, and I’m equally crazy about the miniseries adaptation. I particularly love the scene when Captain Call takes exception to an Army scout whacking young Newt, who’s trying to prevent him from commandeering Dish’s horse. Captain Call sets the scout straight with some brutal whacking of his own, then quietly tells the stunned onlookers: “I hate rude behavior in a man. Won’t tolerate it.”

Of course, violence is not an appropriate response to rudeness, but if someone in your life has crossed the line of good manners and is stepping all over your feelings—or just your right to be you—here’s how you can hit back without raising a hand:

• Speak up. Many people would advocate keeping quiet to keep the peace. That’s good advice if an otherwise easygoing boss, friend, or relative suddenly snaps at you on a bad day. But if the rudeness is egregious or chronic, you should let others know you expect them to respect your boundaries. You can do that with minimal drama by adopting a firm tone and saying something as simple as: “I’ll come back when your mood improves.” Once when an executive at my former company unleashed his infamous temper on me, I stood up and said, “Be careful. I fight back,” then left. A short time later, he looked me up to apologize—not something he typically did after his outbursts with others.

• Be honest. If you’ve made a mistake, own it. The more excuses you make, the angrier people get. But once you’ve owned the mistake, it’s time to focus on working the problem. Just because you screwed up in some way doesn’t entitle anyone—not even a boss, spouse, or partner—to continue bludgeoning you. If that’s happening, calmly point out that you’ve apologized and it’s time to move on. Let the other person know that you’ll do all you can to correct the error but you won’t serve as the resident whipping post.

• Zero in. If you need to discuss this problem with the other person, make sure you focus on the behavior, not the personality. Remain as calm as possible and try not to succumb to the temptation to give back what you’ve been getting. That’s a tall order—and not always doable. You can’t reason with everyone. But as far as possible, try to make sure others know your goal is simply to be treated respectfully.

• Cut losses. A friend once expressed shock in discovering that my family members have disparate views on all sorts of subjects but still enjoy discussing them. He said in his home, no one dared disagree with his father on anything. Some people think they can make everyone around them see everything from favorite sports teams to favorite ice cream flavors exactly as they do. It doesn’t work that way. We’re all unique people with unique thought processes and life experiences that lead us to our own conclusions. While you might choose to indulge your father’s domineering ways and avoid saying anything to annoy him, you can’t live a pretense with everyone. If the rudeness you’re feeling comes from people trying to remake you into their own images, don’t be afraid to cut your losses. You can’t be all things to all people—and trying is like whacking yourself in the head. It’s a headache.