My niece is about to enter the second grade, but as Robert Fulghum famously noted, she learned everything she needs to know in kindergarten. She learned to share and to play fair. And she expects the universe to support her idea of fairness. So when she lost her plastic duck-topped coffee-stirrer—a souvenir from the previous day’s parade of ducks at the Peabody Hotel—she declared: “That’s not fair!” as though the universe would magically make it reappear.

“What’s not fair?” I asked.

“They took it!” she said of the restaurant staff that had thrown away her prize.

“You left it on the table, and they picked it up with the rest of the trash. Why isn’t that fair?”

Because!

After further discussion, I finally convinced her the restaurant staff hadn’t conspired to ruin her life. But since her brother offered to give her one of his duck-topped stirrers, she didn’t learn—and I hope won’t for a few years—that just because she plays fair doesn’t mean life will play fair with her. Despite the nice things they teach us in kindergarten, eventually we all grow up to learn that life’s not fair. And our challenge as adults is to face life’s inequities in a more productive way than shouting … Life is not fair!

A few suggestions:

• Keep it real.  When she learned the stirrer had been cleared from the table, my niece stamped her foot and opened her mouth … only to have her dad nip her protest in the bud and point her toward my car. Gone is gone.

Been dumped, fired, conned, overcharged, screwed over for a promotion, had someone take credit for your work? Stamping your feet and insisting it isn’t what it is will not help. The universe isn’t going to make it right. Gone is gone—and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can move on to the next step.

• Mourn your loss.  Whether your spouse has walked out, your job has been downsized, or your front lawn has turned into a sinkhole, you’ve taken a hard punch and need a little time to collect yourself. Take it. Commiserate with people you trust. Talk to a therapist, doctor, headhunter, appraiser, or member of the clergy. Shed a few tears. Go a few rounds with a heavy bag. Spend an afternoon watching cartoons. Find an appropriate way to express your emotions, and cleanse your grief and anger so you can think clearly and act wisely moving forward.

• Take stock.  Life’s not fair, but sometimes the law evens the playing field. Sit down with pen and paper to assess the financial realities of this event. Forget pain and suffering for the moment and focus on actual damages. What impact will the end of a marriage or loss of a job have on your ability to make ends meet? Review your household accounts and be as specific as possible in considering your situation. If you’re dividing marital assets, feel you’ve been wrongly terminated, or have a genuine grievance, contact an attorney. If you don’t have an attorney or can’t find a referral, check Findlaw.com or Martindale.com. An attorney can advise whether you’re entitled to assistance or compensation.

• Move on.  Once you’ve done what’s necessary to address the past, let it go. By all means, remember the lessons learned from your experience. But don’t burden yourself with the baggage of bitterness. It’s been said that holding onto bitterness, anger, and grudges is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Better to remember that success is the best revenge.