Recently I had a long conversation with one of my closest far-away friends and was reminded of an incident a few years ago. We were having coffee with a group of acquaintances and began discussing a medical issue. I’d researched the topic and was confident in the data. She was equally confident in the anecdotal information she’d read. Soon we were in a heated disagreement that finally ended with a mutual decision to drop it!

If our companions were shocked by our passionate head-butting, it didn’t compare to their expressions when she nonchalantly asked, “Where do you want to go for lunch?” and I casually replied, “Oh, anywhere you’d like.” They still looked dumbstruck as we drove off laughing like we’d never exchanged a cross word.

Yes, it is possible to have a civilized disagreement and remain friends. Try this advice:

• Keep your cool.  My friend and I are both extremely passionate people and we understand each other. However, most people don’t respond well to that level of intensity. In the same circumstances today, I’d table the discussion until we could continue it in private. Calm, soft-spoken conversation is one thing. But getting into a heated public argument with voices raised damages your credibility. It doesn’t matter whether you’re right because people aren’t listening to your words–they’re watching your body language. If you seem to be out of control, you devalue your position.

• Always take the high road.  That means keeping the focus on the topic of discussion, not the personalities of the speakers. If you can’t make your case without launching personal attacks, either your position has no merit or you haven’t done your homework. Just because they disagree with you does not mean people are stupid, wrong-headed, ignorant, illogical, misguided, uninformed, unpatriotic, brainwashed, racist, godless, morally bankrupt, evil, or your enemy.

• Rethink your purpose. Why are you talking to this person? If you’re trying to win a convert, you’re not going to do it by hurling insults. Have you ever “seen the light” when it was being turned on by someone calling you stupid, godless, racist, or unpatriotic? If you’re not trying to win a convert, then are you trying to learn more about the other person’s views? Is this a fact-finding mission? No? So you’re not trying to win a convert? And you aren’t interested in hearing the other person’s views? Then the only possible outcome of the discussion will be bitterness and animosity. In those situations, it’s best that you agree to disagree and move on to a mutually appealing topic.

• Open your mind.  No matter how committed you are to your viewpoint, be willing to hear someone else’s. One of my favorite lines from Max Ehrmann’s Desiderata: “Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.” We can learn from anyone if we’re willing to hear their stories. And that doesn’t just mean staying quiet long enough for them to finish their sentences. It means truly considering the merits of what they have to say. Listening to someone else doesn’t mean you have to give up your own principles. But you might develop a better understanding of the opposite view that will help you reframe and strengthen your own arguments in future discussions. Or you might be able to see an opportunity for compromise. Or maybe you’ll just see that folks who think differently on a particular issue don’t have cloven feet and horns. Conversations, like relationships, are give and take. You can’t expect other people to respectfully listen to your views if you won’t respectfully listen to theirs.