“[I]f we’re talking about automobile racing, when you swear in comedy, it’s kind of like cutting across the infield. Yes, you do get there faster, but the idea is to go all the way around the track.”

For some reason, when comedians make crude comments or toss out the f-word, audiences immediately start guffawing. Requiring both storytellers and listeners to put in a little intellectual creativity to get to the comedic payoff, as Seinfeld says, takes a bit more effort.

The same is true when someone insults you. Sure, you can turn around and snap, “Yeah? Well, #$&@ you!” You make your point and no one doubts your meaning. But instead of blasting them with a verbal shotgun, wouldn’t it be more satisfying to lead your targets all the way around the track then surprise them with well-chosen darts that defy comeback?

The next time someone zings you with a cheap shot, see if you can come up with a retort worthy of these famous, G-rated rebuttals from the old days when social graces required people to think before they spoke:

• On age … Tony- and Golden Globe–winner Rosalind Russell, best known for her roles in His Girl Friday and Auntie Mame, was minding her own business at a luncheon when a starlet decided to take a swipe at her age. Gazing at Russell in mock sympathy, the starlet said, “I dread to think of life at 45.” Without missing a beat, Russell answered, “Why? What happened?”

One day New York writer Dorothy Parker approached a doorway at the same time as journalist Clare Boothe Luce. “Age before beauty,” Luce said, stepping aside to wave Parker through. “Pearls before swine,” Parker replied as she passed.

• On work … During a hunting trip with film director Howard Hawks and author William Faulkner, Clark Gable—the top movie star of his time—asked Faulkner to name the five best writers of their day. Faulkner listed Ernest Hemingway, John Dos Passos, Willa Cather, Thomas Mann, and himself. “Oh,” Gable grinned wickedly, “do you write for a living?” “Yes,” Faulkner casually replied. “What do you do?”

While rehearsing a play, actors Claudette Colbert and Noel Coward got into a heated argument. Finally, Colbert yelled, “If you’re not careful, I may throw something at you!” To which Coward shouted back, “You might start with my cues!”

• On talent … Not everyone appreciates the Cubist work of Pablo Picasso. But the artist wasn’t put off when an amateur critic told him her young daughter could paint as well as he could. “Congratulations, Madame,” the master replied, “then your daughter is a genius.”

A young composer once approached Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to ask advice on producing a symphony. The great artist suggested the young man begin by composing ballads. Insulted, the petitioner sneered, “But you wrote symphonies when you were only 10 years old!” “Yes,” Mozart replied. “But I didn’t have to ask for advice.”

• On taste … When actor/playwright Noel Coward ran into Edna Ferber, this time he wound up on the receiving end of the comeback. He noticed the Pulitzer Prize–winning author of So Big and Giant was wearing a tailored suit that reminded him of his own. “You look almost like a man,” he said. “So do you,” she replied.

• On intimidation … One of England’s medieval knights had been rude to young Elizabeth I when she was imprisoned during the reign of her half-sister, Queen Mary. But when Elizabeth later ascended to the throne, the knight suddenly changed his tune. Fearful of punishment, he threw himself at the new queen’s feet and begged her forgiveness. “Don’t you know,” she told him, “that we are descended from the lion whose nature is not to prey upon the mouse or any other such small vermin?” It takes a special gift to pair insult and mercy in the same breath.